Posted by: Kristie | February 9, 2010

Pushing Forward

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. Actually more like one of those kid’s bouncy castles, where you can hardly stand up straight and you’re constantly jostled up, down and all around.

Soon after I found out about the loss of my friend, Brett encouraged me to look up the stages of grief. Unfortunately, Brett has had a lot more experience with dealing with death than I have and he thought that reading about what I was experiencing and about to experience would help. I must admit, I didn’t research it extensively, just a quick Google search to find the basics. I came across the Kübler-Ross Model first introduced in 1969, which defines grief in five stages:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Reading about these various stages and what they encompass did help me to feel better and somewhat “normal” about what I was going through. The problem is that the term “stages” implies that you will go through one, stop, and then move on to the next. In reality, I feel like my insides are a giant mystery bag of emotions and I never know what’s going to come out next. One minute I will be feeling ok, like I’ve finally accepted the death of my friend, and the next, I break out in tears because I realize we’ll never have another phone date. Many mornings, I struggle to get out of bed, feeling my body weighed down in a way I’ve never experienced; other times anger floods through my veins and I just want to scream at someone.

But I try to push forward. I get up each morning, having no idea what I’ll be feeling that day, but accepting that fact. I try to stay motivated in my own daily life, knowing Julie would be telling me to get off my butt and do something. Live the life she can no longer live. But man, some days it’s just so friggen hard because ultimately, I just really miss my friend.


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